I love those organizing shows on HGTV. A few times a year, I make my own KEEP, TOSS, DONATE piles and it’s such a great feeling to have conquered the clutter—or at least made a good dent in it! But what about relationships; how do we decide which ones to keep and which ones to toss?
Common sense says that when you have people in your life who are negative influences or who say hurtful things you should eliminate those people from your life. Sometimes that is easier said than done—especially if that person is a family member or close friend with whom you have a long history or where the good experiences outweigh the bad.
As with many things, relationships aren’t often black or white. However, if you find that someone is a constant energy suck, you need to put that dick in a box to create some distance and get them away from you—preferably as far away from you as possible.
Relationship clutter is as equally destructive as physical clutter—it drains you of the emotional fuel you need to be your best self. Putting a relationship in storage frees up your current emotional space and let’s you revisit it at a later date. Here are some questions to help you identify the dicks in your life and what to do with them once you’ve sorted them.
DICK 1: THE WHINER
Are your conversations mostly negative in nature?
If you find yourself in a complain-a-thon with this person or are constantly listening to them rehash old problems that really have nothing to do with their current situation; it’s time to put the dick in a box.
Some people just aren’t able to easily move on from their problems and that is really not your problem. We all want to support our friends through bad times, but those people that bitch about their job but never look for a new one are not doing themselves or anyone else who knows them a favor.
Don’t bother trying to advise this person. Chances are, you’ve already done it, as have all their other friends/relatives. When they start going on about the same issue, simply cut the conversation short. “Oh, my laundry buzzer just went off and I have to leave in five minutes. Talk to you soon. Kisses. Good-bye.” Then don’t return their calls for a month and see if things change. If not, rinse and repeat.
DICK 2: THE INSENSITIVE
After an encounter with this person, do you feel happy and motivated or sad and depleated?
Sometimes encounters with people can make us feel drained or even depressed. When a friend is making constant home runs in life and we’re going through some challenging times, sometimes it’s hard not to feel a little jealous. That is completely normal. But if that person makes you feel just a wee bit smaller after every encounter because of insensitive comments or constant cut downs; it’s time to put that dick in a box.
You know the type—they’re on their way to their beach house (that they never invite you to) after they drop their new Porsche off for detailing while flashing their new five-carat anniversary ring after you’ve just told them you lost your job or found out you have cancer. I once had a wealthy friend tell me that she wasn’t going to invite my husband and I to a dinner because her guests were extremely wealthy people and it was going to be a really expensive evening. Her bizarre need to tell me this and insult me at the same time was over the top. (For the record, I am neither a cheapskate or incapable of socializing outside my class—but I generally am not prone to attempts to impress people simply because they have more money than I do.) Ultimately, I realized that despite our history, we had grown apart and this was not a person I needed in my life at all.
Sometimes you have to put the dick in the box and JUST LEAVE THEM IN THERE—like forever.
DICK 3: THE CONTROLLER
Does this person try to control your behavior?
Some people want dummies for friends—as in ventriloquist dummies. They want you to think exactly what they think and do exactly what they do and if you don’t go along, they will minimize or misrepresent everything you say and do. If the person clearly does not accept you as is—it’s time to put that dick in a box.
There are those who have an extreme need to orchestrate everything. They want to control the conversation, and often they are working to cover up situations that they created by going behind someone’s back when they shouldn’t have. They make you feel bad about what you wore or what you said to other people when you’re together and you end up feeling like a total idiot because you’re trying to live up to their ridiculous expectations.
With this type of person, you have to get some balls and be yourself. If they tell you what to wear or what to say, just thank them for their input and then do what feels right for you. If you are being yourself and that isn’t good enough for them, then it’s time to stop returning calls and attending events as their dummy.
DICK 4: THE USER
They ask and ask and then they’re too busy to even take our calls.
Sometimes the user is a good person to know—after all, they’re good at getting their way and they usually know people who can help them achieve their goals—and maybe that in turn could help you one day. Unfortunately, this person is often so narcissistic that they don’t see relationships as a two-way street. That’s when it’s time to put that dick in a box.
When someone is constantly hounding you for favors with absolutely no consideration for your time or effort, maybe it’s time to not be so amicable. I love seeing friends succeed and helping out those I love—and sometimes this has come at a cost to my own work. Some people are just expert takers. If you find yourself feeling resentful and pissed off after helping someone for the zillionth time, protect yourself from future leaching by putting yourself first. I have even had people confront me with my “lack of helpfulness” and I simply say that my focus is needed elsewhere—because it is. Trust me, they’re not interested in what you’re doing, so the conversation usually ends there.
DICK 5: THE NAYSAYER
You could have discovered the God Molecule and this person would greet your excitement with all the reasons why you’re probably wrong.
Often they’ll change the subject to something about themselves or they’ll respond in a negative way. It can be a real buzz kill when you’re trying to nurture creativity and someone who should be part of your support system instead dampens your spirit by cutting you down. That’s when it’s time to put that dick in a box.
If there are people in your life who repeatedly express negativity in response to your excitement, it’s probably best to simply not share your news with them. Let them find out second hand and gossip about you with someone else—it’s honestly better that you don’t hear it. Just stick to your plans and enjoy yourself! If this person is someone you can do without, limit your time or stop seeing him or her altogether. Creativity needs to be nurtured and if you aren’t taking responsibility for that, you’ll end up feeling unfulfilled and resentful.
I hope these tips help you get some clarity around your relationships. Got any of your own? Please feel free to share them in the comments below!
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